It is that time of week again where I, Marisol, stray from the usual posts and talk about what is on my mind. Regular posts will resume soon.

Twenty-six days until Christmas! Yahoo! I am so excited! Even though I am almost 23 (my birthday is right after Christmas; Tala’s birthday is on Christmas), Christmas is still the best time of the year for me. However, this Christmas is a bit depressing for me… well, the past few Christmases have been rather depressing for me. My family has not been together for Christmas in forever because my brother moved to Florida, got married, and had a baby that looks like an old man; he refuses to speak to my family and he has threatened me. My sister has not spoken to my family for close to four years ever since we could not loan her money that she never pays back. The last time I have seen my whole family together was right after my dad’s heart attack. My brother and sister have issues, but some other people in my family are a bit missed up and controlling, as well. And there is my boyfriend… let us just say he has not been very nice to me and I feel like I do not matter and that I am just here for him to yell at. Maybe when we move out things will be better… I do not know.

My boyfriend says he is mean to me “for survival.” Survival from what? If anything, I have been a good girlfriend. I am flawed, I do admit that, and I have a ton of baggage simply because I am afraid of people to some degree. I also have a tendency to be a pushover because people see me as a scapegoat for all their problems; I hardly fight back because I do not know how. But I have been a faithful and loyal girlfriend throughout everything. I have put up with feeling like I am less than nothing, I have been yelled at by his family for things I have had no control over, I have been questioned like a criminal, dealt with text-messaged threats from his sister, been called psycho by his whole family because he decided to run off to South Dakota and he left his toothbrush, and I am the bad person? I stood by him after he came back from his trip; have an open door policy for whatever he needs or wants to talk about (even though he is not open with me). Every time he has ditched me, I just sat back, whined about it, told him how I felt just so I can have a phone slammed in my ear, him sign out of Instant Messenger and leave me hanging, him not pick me up for class (I cannot afford a car right now), and so on and so forth on down the list. And he has to be mean to me for survival? He gets cold toward me because I bring up how I feel about how his ignoring me on the weekends is not helping our situation much? Then he brings up “well it is not me who is having a panic attack whenever my family tells me to get my hair cut!” For one, I did not have a panic attack; I was upset because his family treats him like a five year-old at times and they make him get these God-awful haircuts that make him look like a rapist (my rapist ex-boyfriend, as a matter of fact). Then it is “I am mean to you so we can establish boundaries in our relationship.” WE? We or just he? The words rhyme…

Blah.

But this year, as excited as I am about Christmas, I am not in the Christmas spirit much. Honestly, there is too much fighting, too much distance, and too much crap in general. I just wish people can just get along and stop ruining everyone’s holiday with fake crocodile tears and whining about how terrible certain individuals are. *Sigh.*

Another reason why I am not excited about Christmas is that I did not have the money to afford things this year for my family. I bought things here-and-there before the economy got bad, but still. My family does this elaborate Christmas every year where we all get a lot of things (which I hate, by the way. I prefer a few good books and some drawing stuff, not things. Things are meaningless. Can I not just be with my whole family for the holiday and have a ton of food? That is much nicer), and this year, I really could not partake in the elaborateness. I ordered a few items from the NASCAR Superstore (yes, I am one of those neon-white people who enjoys cars turning left all the time as Jeff Dunham states) for my niece (she is a HUGE Kasey Kahne fan—I LOVE Denny Hamlin); I have bought a few books for my mom, niece, and someone I work with; a candle for a friend, and a few other small things, but nothing special. I know I will get “well, it is the thought that counts” thing, but then I get the disapproving looks from my family (and I do somewhat get that vibe from my boyfriend), and I feel bad. Nothing I ever do is correct. So, even though I love Christmas, the joy of the holiday and my holiday spirit has been zapped from within me. My Harmony Buddha I bought over a week ago has not been helping me.

I have been listening to Christmas music on the radio, and it has done is made me miss my choir days. I used to be in choir when I was in high school, and I sang alto, soprano, and second soprano (go versatility), and, not to pat myself on the back, I was a featured soloist several times. I have been meaning to join my university’s choir, but I have not had the guts to tryout because I have not sung in five years. Maybe I should get over that fear and just try out.

Part of my issue is that I waffle back-and-forth between feeling like I have a purpose to not feeling as such. I also feel seriously lonely and unloved. I find myself reading erotica short stories and poetry in order not to feel so lonely. Now I know there has to be something wrong with that. I just feel so alone and unloved. I try to do all the right things in life—keep a low profile, try not to make waves, do well in school, work hard at everything, and I do it with a smile.

For what? So I can be belittled and treated like a nuisance who is not worth anyone’s time. Then it is “you need to be tougher,” and when I am, then it is “you are a b*t*h” or total coldness or more fighting. I cannot win. I really do feel like a scapegoat for everyone else’s bad moods and problems; but when I have a complaint or something, no one cares to listen, then it is “tune her out.” I feel like nothing I say is worth anything; I should just shut my mouth and sit in the corner and wait to be called on. It is like a fight I had with a “friend” of mine about how I am only good enough for her to complain to me about things, but when I need someone, I fall on deaf ears. I told her I felt like a closet friend, that I am only good enough for other people when they need to complain, but if I need to be heard, it is back in the closet. She stopped being my friend. I am a closet friend to everyone.

*Sigh.*

But why should I vent on here? I apologize for bothering all of you. But you know, when you need to let something out, you just have to. Holding your thoughts, feelings, and pain inside of you is not good, and those things could potentially become dangerous for your health. If you need  someone to talk with, find someone who will listen. I will listen if you need someone to talk to. Please email me at sketchinghouseonline@gmail.com if you want to talk or share your ideas for Sketching House.

Love always,

Marisol

Tags: Art, Blue Christmas, Boyfriend, Buddha, Depression, Erotica, Gifts, Harmony, Rant, Sadness