Again, let me begin by saying that I apologize for my lack of posts. I am still without a scanner and a desktop computer, but eventually, the money will be there for both. I’ve also been bogged down with articles for Demand Studios, but I’m starting to get faster with those. Once I get $70 together, I’ll be back and posting regularly. I promise.

Today, I’m going to stray off topic a little because I need to vent. I, personally, feel that people suck. I’m not talking about you, our viewers, but others that I know in non-Internet life and from forums that I frequent. As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I am a regular poster on the AMC forum, where, for the most part, I thought was a great place. I met several wonderful people there (or so I thought), and I made some friends. Well, friendship is disposable and people are cruel. Over the past few weeks, there has been several trolls on AMCF who have made people’s lives a living Hell. And for what? A few chuckles at people’s expense? Things like that make me wonder about people’s wellbeings. What kind of person would poke fun at a sick person? What type of person would keep tearing people down, making them feel lower than a worm’s stomach? What pleasure is derived from this? And to constantly go to the jugular… people are sick.

Because of the above people, this world is f—ed up, pardon my language. There’s no kindness, no goodwill toward men, and definitely no greater good for humanity. People need to wake up, simple as that. Doesn’t anyone realize that with cruelty, nothing in this world will ever be right? How about a little kindness?

Frankly, I’m very sick of people, and I’ve had enough. Sometimes, I think living the hermit life sounds good. Just live alone, me and my dog, and screw everything else. Anymore, that sounds best.

With that, here are some pieces I’m working on that will eventually be posted as tutorials. I hope you enjoy.

“Wedding Dance”

The light and dark is a good mix. I

An image featuring my and Alex’s characters Kitana and Ikura. They’re dancing at their weather, which really, is just Kitana’s distant dream.

“Tsuyoi”

This is the picture I’m using for my inking tutorial. The pose is from an anime book, but I liked it, so I used it.

“Catch Me If I Fall”

Kitana being kicked out of Heaven by God, falling gracefully into the crystal, icy waters of Hell. The calm water is meant to be deceiving. In a way, it’s based on Milton’s Paradise Lost.

This will be used for water effects tutorials.

I haven’t been posting how to draw tutorials lately, and I apologize. As many readers must know, once warmer weather approaches, as does yard work. I’ve been busy planting flowers, weeding, and cutting grass, so time to myself is very rare. Besides yard work, I’ve been working really hard writing articles for other websites, and I’ve been busy with research for the Milton course Alex and I are taking this summer for graduate school.

Speaking of school, the head of the English department contacted me this morning and informed me that I should be considering the beginning aspects of my thesis if I plan on graduating very soon. Nyah? Already?! I have to choose an overseer this week, and that professor and I need to sit down and create an outline for my thesis. Frankly, I’m not ready yet. Simply put, I don’t have a concrete topic yet. Furthermore, I’m terrified! I’ve been having a panic attack today and trying to contact Alex to talk me down, but he’s difficult to get a hold of because his phone is always OFF! I always hope I never need him to save my life, because if I did, I’d be dead before he’d even know I called him. Seriously, trying to contact him is that bad.

During my hiatus, I’ve developed several projects and how to draw tutorials that I am going to post on Sketching House, however, I seem to have several problems. My desktop computer is out of commission, first of all. The tower still works and everything, but the stupid flat screen monitor died. This is the second time that screen died and it’s EXPENSIVE to fix. The first flat screen I had luckily died BEFORE the warranty ran out, so I sent it to Texas for a new screen. Unfortunately, this screen’s warranty did run out. The screen dying is bad because my gimpy 12-year old scanner is attached to that stupid computer. Without a screen, I can’t tell if I’m scanning. My printer is also attached to that computer. That computer runs on Windows XP still, as does my scanner and printer. My laptop, unfortunately, is Windows Vista, meaning that my scanner and printer are not compatible with my system, meaning, tough luck– I can’t scan and print! Why? The companies are not developing drivers for the printer or scanner that would make them compatible with Vista. Doesn’t that just suck? My only hope is my old laptop–my Acer. That laptop still has Windows XP, but the backlight for the stupid LSD screen is shot, so the colors on the darn thing are green and red (the laptop is 6 years old). Again, this is also expensive to fix, and quite frankly, given this economy and Obamanomics, I’m short on cash flow. Hoohaa! Life is great! NOT!

How I wish to live in another country.

Anyway, until I discover a solution or fall into a money pit, there’s going to be a delay in tutorials from me. I can create a bunch of digital art-based tutorials, but in a way, I feel Sketching House is weighing too heavily on digital art tutorials, thus, leaving traditional artists out in the cold. Many of the tutorials I developed are saturated in the traditional art medium, especially since that medium is my first love and passion over digital art. So please, bare with me while I find a solution to my ever-amounting technological problems.

Until I get all that settled, I have two digital drawing how-tos to post. One is how to ink a scanned drawing; the other is another coloring tutorial using skin texture brushes. Here are the drawings:

This is Ten'on and Tsuyoi, the subjects of my skin texture tutorial.

This is Tsuyoi; she's going to be subject to my inking tutorial.

So, once my Photo Shop stops freezing (yet, another issue), I will have these posted. Until next time, happy creating!

Marisol

Good afternoon everyone! How are you today? I’m a little chilly. The other day, it was 75 degrees and wonderful outside, so I spent much of my time out on my deck. Today, it’s sunny and 39 degrees and very cold! Normally, 39 degrees isn’t bad, but since it was 75 the other day, it feels much colder than need be. I hate it! Where’s the warm? Of course, the temperatures are suppose to be in the 60s and 70s next week when I go back to class. My campus annoys the heck out of me simply because we ALWAYS have spring break in winter. Why? To torment us poor souls who can’t fly to warmer locations due to lacking money. Nyah! I want to go to Disney World!

So, for the past few months (since December), I’ve had a picture working on my featuring Kitana and Ikura and their love, yet, I can’t seem to figure out how to draw it. The picture is to be based on Yuki Kajiura’s song “Vanity,” a song I’m totally in love with!

My idea for this image was to place Kit and Ikura in water, floating next to each a la Yuna and Tidus from Final Fantasy X. However, I can’t seem to execute this idea as well as I like and my drawing looks like boogers on stick–ew!

So here’s my dilemma, I’m trying to create a image that reflects the line “You’ll be there by my side/you may never know my devotion/Feel my breath in the quiet night/ live in vanity for awhile.” Since I’m having such artist’s block, I’m asking you, our readers, to help me out. When you hear this song, what do you think of regarding love? Please let me know. The person with the best idea will receive an art tutorial of their choice as an award. So without further ado, here’s Yuki Kajiura’s “Vanity.” This is the live version with my favorite female band, Kalafina, singing backup. Yuki is playing the keyboard, so you know.

So, do you guys think you can help? Post your ideas below!

Thanks!

Marisol

First order of business, please give a warm welcome to SushiGal, our newest member to the Sketching House family. She comes to us from a far off mysterious land, so please be nice. I know what it’s like to have people be mean to you unnecessarily, so please don’t do so.

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, Alex and I ditched Chaucer to go have some fun. For one, I had a splitting headache, but from what I gathered, we missed a good class in the beginning, but then it fizzled in the end. Anywho, so Alex asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him and I said sure. We went to a place called Anthony’s Creative Cuisine, which is right next door to our favorite restaurant, Niko’s. This was our first time trying this restaurant, so we thought it would be fun. First, we couldn’t figure out where to go in at because there was three doors; we found the right door on our first try. When we walked in, a cheerful, but fancily dressed hostess greeted us and took us to our table. First, Anthony’s is deceptively large and we ended up sitting in the terrace room. For one, it shoulda tipped me and Alex off that this was not our type of place by the décor. Everything was purple and white with grapes and grape leaves hanging all over the place. Secondly, there was a terrace room. Non-fancy restaurants do not have terrace rooms! Third, the menu was small, snooty, purple, and padded. In all my English classes, we learned that purple was the color of royalty, so uh-oh. Furthermore, the fact that this place proudly announced that they accept credit cards shoulda been another sign. Oh noes!
So Alex and I sat down and opened the menu. There was four pages of beer and wine selections and they were expensive (not that we drink—bleh!)! Then we got to the main menu… $30 for chicken parmesan!? $50 for steak!? There was nothing on the main food menu below $28! The salads where $8, but who wants to go to a restaurant just to eat a salad? I’ve never seen food that expensive in my life! Alex and I tried to leave by bull-rushing into one of the doors, causing a loud THUD! which made the other restaurant patrons laugh at us. Alex tried fumbling with the lock to open the door, but he couldn’t do it. Finally, we ran out the way we came in, rushing past the waitress as I shouted “we can’t afford this place!” We were out of the restaurant in a blur! The waitress said “okay! Have a nice day,” which was nice, but that was too much sticker shock! We made it out to the clown car and drove off, laughing all the way to a restaurant we could afford. Good times, good times.
This morning, Alex said that there was a grandma on a moped riding up and down the main road by my house. I didn’t believe him, but when we turned down the street, there she was! Grannies are getting hip!

One of my International Students and I were talking to an older male student today. He used to be an embalmer at one of our local funeral homes. He was telling us about how someone lied to him and told him that a client of his (can you call dead bodies clients?) didn’t have any diseases or health issues. When he and his work partner filled the body with embalming fluid, the person’s body turned green! The person had jaundice and the blue embalming fluid turned the skin green. He was telling us about how he had to drive to Porter Country Indiana in order to get the problem fixed and how he was pulled over by the police and had to show them the green body that they were rushing to embalm correctly. I thought it was a hilarious story and you really had to be there to understand it, I guess.

I’m an open person, but I guess too open for my own good something. That’s one thing everyone knows about me: I’m an open person and I talk to anyone. Furthermore, I had an interesting life so far and I like to share my story with people. I’ve experienced more things than anyone should ever have to experience in their own lives. I had an incredible life and I’m proud of it.

Despite everything the past two days, I still have this empty feeling within me. I’m still trying to figure it out. I wake up and feel like I don’t want to exist. I’m not super depressed like I wish my life was over, but I still just feel like I’m nothing and that I’m going nowhere. I also feel like I’m overwhelmed. I’m glad spring break is next week; time to unwind. I think I just need a week to unwind.

I think I’ll end this blog here. Thank you for reading about my and Alex’s adventures.
Love always,
Mari

While I was brushing my teeth this morning, a thought crossed my mind (and I assure you, I didn’t hurt myself thinking). When I was in fifth grade many moons ago, a friend of mine (whom is now in the Air Force) and I took an art class at one of the local community centers. The art program at our elementary school honored us with free art classes because we were considered “gifted artists” (I wonder what happened to me ). Every Wednesday, she and I would make the pilgrimage over to the Center of Visual and Performing Arts for our two hour art classes. I remember that this was when Beanie Babies were big, so most people brought Beanie Babies to draw (not really; Nikki and I were the only one’s under 50). Our art instructor didn’t find this amusing at all; she wanted us to learn how to draw serious art.

Courtesy of LoLDogs. Not a Doberman, but whatever. It's funny.

The first day of class, the teacher told us to draw whatever we wanted. Nikki drew a row of pink flamingos at a trailer park; I drew a Doberman Pinscher gnawing on a mailman. Yeah, not normal drawings for 11 year-olds, but hey, whatever. The older generation was drawing flowers in vases and still-life from around the room. Our art teacher–a blonde lady about 45 years old and freakishly tall–was praising all the artists that were drawing the stuffy vases, then she got to me and Nikki and almost had a heart attack when she held up our drawings.

“This,” she said, “is NOT art.” Nikki, I remember, asked her why not, to which the instructor replied: “Art is a form created to preserve time on paper. You look at things and you draw it. Art is not meant for childish imagination. Sunflowers are art. Curtains are art. But not dogs or fl-l-lamingos (rolling her Ls)!” She crumpled up our work and threw it away. We were stuck drawing stuffy flowers in crappy vases. But that didn’t stop us from adding puppies, Beanie Babies, or flamingos. Our work was still thrown away though.

A.C Thamer FLICKR

I remember the one time we were suppose to be drawing our hands holding our pencils. Nikki and I did so. By this time, Nikki was whipped into drawing everything as dull as possible. Not I, says the dog! It was close to Halloween, so I decided to turn my hand into a witch’s hand. I colored it green, added long fingernails, and sparklies. I was coloring happily when that blasted art instructor stood behind me and heavily sighed. Picking my drawing up like it was garbage, she shriveled her nose at me in disgust. I was in big trouble. She examined the drawing and looked down at my hand. She took my mechanical pencil and tapped my hand.

“Your hand is NOT green! Your hand is WHITE (no it’s not, my hand is peach, thank you)! And those nails you drew, they are not your nails! You have very short nails. This picture will not do! And you’re using mechanical pencil! That is NOT an ARTIST’S pencil (I’ve used mechanical pencil ever since)! This, class, is NOT art! Imagination should never be allowed in art. It should be straight-forward and to the point, nothing more! Do it over and do it right (which is where I got this phrase from)!

I wonder what ever happened to this freakishly tall and nasty art teacher…hmm…

Now, some people may have turned away from art after this experience. Not I, says the dog! I just went on to become more creative and “break convention.” But why does art have to be stuffy vases and sunflowers? I thought anything could be art. Not to this lady. The real clincher? She never taught the class! She just walked around and told us to draw. She didn’t show us techniques or anything! Six weeks of humiliation, nothing more. Where was the teaching? I didn’t learn shading, sketching, perspective, anything. Sure, a person can learn this stuff on his or her own, but sometimes, guidance is welcomed. Sometimes, a person may not necessarily be able to draw what is in front of them because of depth-perception issues and objects appear flat. A person may not be able to shade in order to create a 3-D effects; this is what the teacher is here for. Sometimes the teacher may be able to offer tips on how to compensate for this artists’ disability.

Leger's Railway Crossing

And to stifle creativity? If creativity was stifled, Picasso, Van Gogh, Kandinsky, and Leger would not be famous! Abstract art would not exist. Neither would anime or comic book art. All art as we know it would just be stuffy sunflowers in vases! What is that?!

Help me out here. Stand against sunflowers and vases! Go out and draw or paint something wacky! Have fun!

Love always,

Marisol

Extreme cold blanketed the Chicago area this week. Temperatures were well-below zero, and windchills dipped below -40! The cold was so foreboding and heavy, and it made me have feelings of emptiness all week. Many things did not settle well with me at all, but I did not know why I felt the way I felt. Everything was so overwhelming. Maybe it was because it was the first week of class. Maybe it was because I am worried about my best friend. Maybe it’s because I’m so overwhelmed with sometimes paralyzing fear and anxiety about moving out of my house because of my mother who has pretty much kept me within a prison of gloaming my entire life. Maybe it was her words seeping into my head and making me feel unsure about many things. Whatever it was, it kept my heart heavy (and yes, I used “it” a lot. I hate “it;” it’s ambiguous, but I felt ambiguous).

Class was decent this week, but due to snow, one of my classes was canceled, which sucks because it was with my favorite professor. Linguistics seems like it is going to be a great class, and I look forward to my final project because I get to work with my two Chinese friends on it. My Southern Literature is fun, too. However, I hate the fact that that class is early in the morning, so I’m sleepy during it. Chaucer and Middle English I didn’t get to have yet. Darn snow. But as far as class goes, this was not my problem.

I am worried about my best friend. As I have mentioned before, I love her like a sister, so I’m invested in her feelings. If she hurts, I hurt too. She and her boyfriend are going through some rough times, and I’m at a loss. When she, Alex, and I went out for a little bit yesterday, she looked really depressed and it felt like there was a cloud over everyone. Her boyfriend hasn’t spoke to her for awhile and it’s been tearing her a part a bit. Talking to her has been a bit of a strain because it’s like she can’t open up to me like she used to. As it seems, her boyfriend only talks to her now if they have a video game in common. What is up with that? That bothers me because if that is all you have to talk about, then it’s an empty relationship, in my opinion. She has been so worried about whether or not he was going to Instant Message her, that she said whenever she saw someone messaged her, it turned out to be no one because it wasn’t him. That hurt me… Personally, their relationship just doesn’t feel right and it feels like my best friend is slipping away. She feels so dark and her perky bubbliness that I have always loved is slowly diminishing. I used to tell her to have faith in the relationship, but right now, I’m starting to feel that it is unhealthy. It is not my place to tell her what to do, but I wish she knew how much I miss her spunk and how much I miss her. If she wants to hang on to him and hope for a relationship with him, she should go ahead and do so. But she’s no longer herself. To me, if he hurts her like this now, what could he do in the future? But this is her choice, and if she is happy deep down,so be it. I miss my best friend and all her spunk. I hope she knows that…

Tearful moment, be right back.

Back.

So I think my best friend’s situation is adding to my empty feelings.

My mom has been at me all week wanting me to break up with my boyfriend. She wants me to break up with because she sees him as mentally unstable. She is still angry over the South Dakota trip (over done with!), and Scattergories. Yes, Scattergories. According to my mom, the way my boyfriend plays Scattergories is a sign of mental illness. Like me, he wasn’t taking the game seriously because it’s more fun to not be serious with that game. One of the questions was “Tool,” and the letter was A. My boyfriend used “Atlas” for a tool, which–but not according to my mom–is correct. According to Dictionary.com, a tool is “anything used as a means of accomplishing a task or purpose: Education is a tool for success.” Some people just don’t want to think outside the box. Since my boyfriend used “Atlas” for a tool, my mom said he has mental issues. Eh? This coming from the lady who watches Judge Judy all day and thinks she’s a genius in psychology?

Judge Judy makes me think of a giant floating head...

But somehow, her words echo in my head and rattle around like poison… and because of her, I’m afraid to move out and into the awesome apartment my boyfriend and I found and will hopefully get. I need to be strong and move on, but I feel myself deteriorating slowly. Again, a slow death. Must break the cycle…  maybe that is what my dream was telling me…maybe I’m meant to die? What do dreams really tell us? Right now, I’m not so sure. But everyday… I feel something stir within… Maybe in my dream, I’m not suppose to live and escape with my boyfriend…

On a sad not, Alex’s St. Bernard, Max, joined God in Heaven today. Hug your dogs and let them know you love them. Donate to an animal charity and help another in a beloved pet’s name or memory.

Love, Marisol

Thanks Sami from Flickr!

Snow is falling, acting as prelude to the bitter cold that is arriving in a few days. I’m tired of cold weather, and sometimes, I’m tired of the snow even though it’s so pretty. I’m not a fan of winter; it’s depressing and drags on too long. All the bleakness makes it hard for me to feel fervent, which, if you think about it, fervent sounds the opposite of what it truly means. Anymore, I just feel so down and hopeless and it’s hard to find that silver lining or little glimmer of joy.

The other day, I had a therapy session with my boss. It sounds strange to open up to your boss, but it was one of those things where the flood gates literally opened and I didn’t know what to do. I told her about why I wasn’t teaching, talked about how screwed up the university system is, and how I feel I was going nowhere in life, which I truly feel. She told me that I needed to stop doing that and that I need to wake up every morning and say to myself, “I’m going to kick [butt] today!” Easier said than done. I feel as if there is so much missing in my life. I’m not allowed to teach at my university even though I’m above qualified, and it feels like I’m just going to be filing paperwork for the rest of my graduate school tenure. I see other people getting the teaching positions and they’re all cut from the same cloth: sucked up, kissed butt, and were so sugary sweet and amicable toward the professors that if it was time to actually argue against something, they would be afraid to fight their own shadows let alone their own beliefs. I’m not teaching because I felt a play a professor wrote was weak and I unjustly received F’s on papers for that class for no reason. I got a B in the class because I was going to repeal my grades. But now, I’m a pariah in the English department because I said something was not to my liking in an assignment that I was suppose to do that for. I would never change my actions, however, but to not give a person a chance because of an opinion is ridiculous. I hope all the G.A’s at my university crash and burn, because suck-up Eddy Haskells need to just disappear from society because this world has too many of them. Where are the people who stand for something? People all say they stand for something, but if they get picked up for something, it’s screw everyone else, it’s all about me, me, me and the fact that the professors (or insert anyone here) love me more than you and I need to suck up more. Personally, I despise all the people like this and there’s no room for them in my life, even if the person was once close to me.

For me, the above has been a bad experience and has really destroyed me. I can’t write as well I had in the past. I can’t function well in daily life without having some ounce of bitterness within me. I feel worthless, hopeless, and broken. I have a lot of anger within me and although I try to be “cool as cucumber,” sometimes that doesn’t work and thoughts of the professor who ruined my career appear in my dreams and creep into my thinking on a daily basis. I think that’s why I want to take the job is Japan and forget about graduate school for awhile. I need to get away.

Since that whole incident, the need to travel and see the United States and the world have really been prevalent. I just feel like I need to walk away for awhile and unwind by exploring the world around me. I need to break free from the traitors and toxic people and just see things from a refreshed world view. I want to see Savannah, Georgia and experience REAL southern food and charm; Kyoto, Japan, Estonia, feel the ocean at the Carolinas, Florida, and the California coast, what a tumbleweed truly looks like in Oklahoma~ I want to experience Canada, catch a Yankee game in New York! I want to see the stars in Big Sky Country (Montana), and see Santa Fe! Maybe I can go and find my roots in Italy and dance in Tennessee, work at Disney World! I want to live for once instead of going through the motions of daily life! I’m tired of living this life. I want to break free.

My life doesn’t even feel like my own, and right now, I know it isn’t. My mom pretty much runs the show for me. Whenever I gain some sort of autonomy, she takes it right it back by taking away more of my freedoms. I feel like I’m dying a slow, horrifying death. A lot of my mom’s grasp, I think, has a lot to do with the fact that she never got to live her life the way she wanted and that all her other kids left and created their own lives. I feel as if she wants me to be as miserable as her and wants me to become her.  I don’t want to be like that! I feel like a mouse trapped in a mouse trap. I writhe and scream and I can’t break free. Someone needs to release me from the trap. My tail and my paws are trapped and my death is slow and agonizing. I am bleeding. My eyes glaze over and lose life. I can feel my organs shutting down, lung function ceasing. There’s no help. The person who trapped me watches as I die and force feeds me words of “love” and protection. That person tells me it’s okay and that I’ll survive if I listen to what she has to say. I’m dying and that person refuses to see. Set me free… set me free…

I want to live on my own and experience life as not just a daughter living under my parents’ roof. I want to be a wife, someday. I want to be that before I take flight, because I want to know I have some sense of security. Plus, I love my boyfriend very much and I don’t think he’d betray me. Besides, he has expressed a need to see the world, also, so I would like him to accompany me.

I also feel depressed because I am a bit on the impatient side, but I’m trying to change that. Tala knows what I mean, so I won’t get into further details.

I want to know what life has to offer, and I feel like I’m slowly dying inside. Like my boyfriend said the other night, “I want to touch a hot stove in order to learn to never touch it again because it burns.” I want that! Besides, my opportunities are up in this little Podunk town. I have been cut loose because I am a threat to the system at my university. “Only non-threatening people allowed,” reads the sign at the graduate office door. I guess it’s time to take my show elsewhere…

Aside from all this negativity, I do feel hopeful about something, and that’s my relationship with my boyfriend. Since school let out, we’ve been working on a lot of things and talking more. We’ve also been working very hard for things, and I think we are more willing to help each other. I hope so, and I hope things continue to get better from here. More and more, I realize how much I love him and how much I need him in my life. He’s a great guy, flawed like me, but still great. I admire the fact that he has great drive and work ethic, and I hope he uses that to his full potential. He’s a writer and a darn good one. I hope he never abandons that for something lesser than that. You’ll be hearing a lot about him someday, I guarantee that. I wish I had the drive he has half-the-time, but like I said, I seem to have lost my spark for a lot of things. I hope I can get it back. If only I could teach… if only I could get married and see the world!

I wish to unclip these wings…

I will end my post with some song lyrics that I currently resonate with. The song is by Reba McEntire and is titled “Is There Life Out There.”

She married when she was 20
She thought she was ready
Now she’s not so sure
She thought she’d done some living
Now she’s just wondering what she’s living for
Now she’s feelin that there’s something more

(chorus)
Is there life out there?
So much she hasn’t done?
Is there life beyond her family and her home?
She’s done what she should
Should she do what she dares?
She doesn’t wanna leave she’s just wondering is there life out there?

She’s always lived for tomorrow
But she’s never learned how to live for today
Oh she’s dying to try something foolish
To do something crazy or just get away
Oh something for herself for a change

(chorus)

There’s a place in the sun that she’s never been
Where life is fair and time is a friend
Would she do it the same as she did back then?
Oh she looks out her window and she wonders again

(chorus)

Oh, she doesn’t wanna leave she’s just wondering is there life out there?

Well, that indeed was a bit of a blow, but, let’s back up a little bit. Around the time we were drifting, I had met a friend. This friend of mine was a cool person to hang out, and his name was Kyojen, but I call him Kyo, or, more affecionately Kyo kyo. He and I hung out while I was being ignored by my current ex (who at the time wasn’t) and all the loneliness I felt, decimated. He was able to make all the pain and sadness go away just by being around me, and what I thought was cute from the very start, was that, he’d get a little jealous when other guys would show interest. From that point on, I don’t know what it was, but, I felt safe with him. We grew into greater friends, inseperable, we were a dynamic duo that everyone knew, they’d see us together and knew it just felt right.

Sometime later, after my ex and I split, there was talk about if the two of us were “official” yet or not. By this time, we both confessed our feelings to eachother. Things didn’t happen just in a blink of an eye, we didn’t have a love at first sight sort of thing, it was just the more we hung out together, the more connected to him I felt. I found myself following him wherever he was, I wanted to prove I was a good person for him, and well, one thing lead to another and after a 2 hour talk and going back and forth, we were announced ‘official’. During that time, things hadn’t really changed much, we still referred to eachother as friends, which was weird, I wanted something more than just calling him my friend. So then, we aknowledged eachother as we were, and from that point on, things grew between us. We had lots of problems getting in the way, guys who were being jerks, uncertainty, but no matter what it was, we worked through them all. Kyo was really everything I could have ever wanted and hoped for. He even gave me a Seahorse necklace that I wear all the time, even have his note he gave me.

The necklace is beautiful, it’s one of the most meaningful things I have, and the note, melted my heart. He wanted me to have it to always remember him, that he’s always there for me. And at the bottom, it said “Follow your dreams, embrace your fears,” sincerely yours, then signed by him. … that quote is enough to just get me to think that, I have to follow my dreams, I have to face my fears if I truly want what I want. It reminded me of Jin and Xiaoyu from Tekken, her Tekken 4 ending. Xiaoyu had said she had one last moment with Jin before he left, he told her if she wanted her dreams to come true, she should make it happen herself” His words inspired her, and she had created the place she had always dreamed of.

You’re probably wondering, what does that have to do with this? Simple….

January second of this year, I was a little worried abou Kyo, he seemed to be rather distant, and I felt like maybe I had done something wrong. Well, Mari, with her concern for me, decided to investigate it and seemed to come back with news. It just so happened that, Kyo was really facing hard times, which now conflicted with out future together, which seemed now, impossible. Kyo lives far away from me, going to college, and I know he’s happy where he is and doesn’t want to leave there, and that brings up issues about me. With that happening now, it looks like I’m in a losing battle, between my loved one’s life, and the life I want to live with him. For a whole week, I’ve been going on thinking about this and it’s just tearing me apart. Some tell me to give up, let him go and be happy on his own, then some tell me “you can’t give up, quitters never win.” I don’t know how to fight this, it feels like it’s a losing battle, I can’t fight with the place he wants to be at forever. If I could, I’d leave and go be with him there if he wanted to be there forever. I just don’t want to be left alone, not without him. He touched my life in a way that, no one else in this world has, so much so that the thought of not having him as mine anymore brings me to unconditional tears. I was actually crying when my mom walked in, and had to pretend like I had something was in my eye so she wouldn’t get worried.

I tried to let him go, but he’s so worried about me, he doesn’t want to cause me pain, that’s what he’s most worried of, but I can’t let him go on living a lie for me, just because he is afraid that he might hurt my feelings. I know he cares about me, but I wish he wouldn’t care so much, and make a decision that’s right for him, and not because he’s concerned about me. If he doesn’t think we’re going to work out, he shouldn’t just pretend or stick with me, because he doesn’t want to hurt me and say so. If I have to let him go, that’ll be something I will do because I love him and I can’t bare to make him go through this. He hates seeing me depressed, seeing me sad, that’s why he’s so torn up about it, because the chances of us being together are slim, and it’s not going to be immidiate, it’s going to take a while. I do get sad sometimes because I’m lonely physically, but what makes me stronger, is the thought that one day, we’ll be together, and the thought of us being close just makes me smile and forget it all. I told him, waiting doesn’t bother me, I’ll wait for him till the ends of the earth, if only I get to be with him then it will all be worth it. But now, it’s all down to, do we continue believing in false hope, or submit to reality and accept, it just might not happen. I tried to be noble and let him go, but it doesn’t feel right to me, I can’t let him go without pushing myself to keep holding onto him. I feel like if I give up now, I will be making the worst mistake of my life. I want to work this all out, I know he’s uncertain how he’d come to be with me and how we’d be together, but if that’s it, I want him to come to me and we’ll work through it, I don’t want to just say “Well it’s too hard, I give up.” Most decisions you have to make, and never look back and say “what if…” I know, if I were to give up, I’d always ask myself “What if… what if we stuck through it? What if I did all I could to be with him? What if we just faught through it a little harder. Wouldn’t that be a great story to tell our children someday?” The story of how mommy and daddy faught through everything pushed at them and made it out together. That would be the romance story I’ve always been dying to have.

However, there’s still the factor that, this may not be what he wants, this may not be something he wants to do. He’s really confused about everything, and I know I’m not helping, but I just want to know if I’m being a fool for believing, or, can we fight through this? I told him I’d be happy no matter what, but honestly, I would be sad and heartbroken, the very thought of me not having my other half with me tears me to shreds, but I’d be happy to know that he was better, even if it costs us this feeling. Am…I selfish?

-Tala

First news on the docket: I am currently applying for a job in Japan. Yes, Japan! I’m currently applying for a job as an English language teacher, which goes along with what I plan on doing with my life. I want to teach ESL students, so teaching in Japan is MORE TRAINING than what I can get at my university. WOW! I am so thrilled about that! I would have a lot of perks, I would get to mingle with the people I LOVE SO MUCH, and leave the country for a year! Yes! Pray that I get this opportunity of a lifetime!

Second, Tala is officially a student at my university! YES! I’m so happy for her! Now if we can just raise money for her tuition…

Thirdly… I forgot what my third thing was.

And what is with men? Last night, I hinted to my boyfriend that he could come over to visit me today. I HINTED not so subtly! Apparently, not so subtle was way too subtle because I am currently boyfriendless and lonely. *Sigh.* Class starts in a few days and that means I will see him, but less so because of work and stress. Hopefully, our semester together doesn’t suck as much as last semester did. I’m tired of fights, coldness, and bitterness. *Sigh.* Hope for the best, I suppose.

See, I told you that was brief.

For today’s tutorial, I’m feeling a little lazy (I was sick–girl issues), so I’m going to use a tutorial I did for E-How over the summer. Today, I’m going to show you how to shade by stippling. Stippling is done by using a series of tiny dots to create the shading effect.Stippling may be time consuming, but it is fun and creates awesome effects. Lighter and largely spaced dots are for light shades; slightly darker and medium spaced dots are mid-tones; tightly packed and dark dots are for dark tones. So, do you have an image handy? Alright! Let’s go!

This image took a total of 1 hour to create, however, your shading may need more or less time depending on your image. I just used a simple bottle for demonstration.

1) First, determine where you want your light source to come from. Leave this space pure white. Now, determine where you want your light, medium, and dark shades to be by drawing light lines.

2) Start with your light tones. Do not press hard to create your dots, instead, press as light as possible. Cover your whole image with the light dots, excluding the white spot that represents your light source. Make sure these dots are spaced far apart (one dot per 1/8 of an inch). The image looks like this:

3) Create your mid-tones. The midtones should stay in the parameters you laid out in step one. Now repeat step two with slightly darker dots and make these dots closer together. The image should now look like this:

4) Create the dark tones. Stay within the parameters you created in step one. Press down hard with your pencil and create barely non-existent space between your dots. The image will now look like this:

See how easy that was? I hope you enjoyed this simple tutorial. Stippling is one of my favorite shading techniques, I hardly use it, however. Why? I guess I’m a traditionalist at heart.

Now I have to get up early to take my dog to the vet, so this is Marisol signing out!

Anywho…

During high school, life literally sucked for me and it wasn’t because Ashley was dating Ricky, or Rachel kept getting pregnant, nor was it because a friend and I decorated my ex’s locker pink and  rigged it to play “Barbie Girl” every time he opened it (and oddly enough, this is the same friend who is now dating my ex), but because of everything my ex did to me. But then a group of friends and a little story came into my life, which helped me hang on to the few strands of sanity I had left.

I met Tala my junior year of high school, and honestly, I have no idea why I didn’t meet this girl earlier on my life. Our friendship really started when she followed me and my ex to one of the now-defunct stores in our region one day during lunch. As the story goes, her best friend was going to get dumped into a Long John Silver’s dumpster with someone else and Tala didn’t want part of it, which is how she ended up with me. Tala kinda reminded me of  a puppy, and I like puppies, so I wanted to keep the Tala puppy. I’m glad I did because I never had a best friend quite like her. How many girls nowadays can say they can truly rely on a friend the way I can Tala, because really folks, friendships just aren’t what they used to be anymore. Tala, in such a short time from the first time we met, became the solid friend I needed in my life. She was (and still is) my go-to girl, my one once of sanity, and the only person I can really sure my myriad of issues with. Tala is like a soulmate–which, off-topic, I believe a person can have a romantic, intellectual, animal, sibling, and friendship soulmate–in a friendship/sibling way because of how alike our senses of humor and lives are. When things are down, Tala is my port in the storm when I need her most, bless her soul for putting up with me almost seven years! And you guys are reading this going enough with the Tala-love, we get it. Well, you don’t get it, really because Tala is one of the reasons why I’m still here writing today, so my Tala-love has sentimental and emotional ties to it. To any girls out there reading this, I hope you all find a friend like Tala! *Hugs her Tala.*

There was a point to that, I’m getting to it now.

Tala is one-heck of a writer. She has ideas and great stories and she liked to share those ideas with friends. One of those stories happened to be shared with a whole group of us during high school, and that story–like Tala–helped me through a lot of difficult times. FT (I’ll only use the abbreviation) was a story about a character of Tala’s life and the people in it, as well as the character’s struggle with love and the light and dark within herself. Yea, this is glossed over, but trust me, it’s deep stuff. Tala decided to let us all take on characters to help her write the story or whatever and I agreed–reluctantly, at first, because one of the people writing was Tala’s best friend and she and I barely got along. The claws were always sharpened between us. My character, I will use her abbreviated name–Kit–was Tala’s character’s mom, which is odd for me because I never wanted to be a mother–real or imagined. If I remember correctly–and Tala, if I’m wrong, edit this post later–Kit was a surrogate mom–but real mom–to Tala’s character and Kit seemed to neglect Tala’s character because of various wars and Kojiro, that c**k-s*cking a$$h*le. Oh… sorry. Since everyone else involved in the story–Tala’s best friend and a few others– all really knew what the story was about, I was confused, so I–a person who just discovered she could write (another post, another time. I think I will do a series called “How the Art of Writing Saved My Life”)– decided to turn Kit into my own character. Bad idea. Rule number one, don’t take other’s characters and turn them into something you want; they’re not your characters. I turned Kit into someone desperate to have a relationship with the child she pretty-much neglected, a person who wanted to have a loving relationship with her husband–which played on my desires to have a loving, solid relationship with my ex even though I didn’t love him, but because, at the time, I felt I needed him–and a woman who wanted some sort of worth in her life. Kit, under my writing, was sad and almost tragic at times, and wildly humorous at times. I’m a sarcastic person, so my sarcasm leaked in. Kit, however, became therapy for me, as well as an idealized self; I was emotionally attached to my alter-ego even though she didn’t belong to me! And Tala’s best friend was P-Oed at this because I “ruined the character.” The “ruined character” let Tala’s best friend have it in the “Fridge” series. *Ehem.*

My writing for Kit kept me grounded because she was everything I wish I could have been. I was a very depressed person in high school because of my life dramas, but I knew that when I had the FT story binder and I was able to write for my character, I could escape myself and become the person I wished I was. Sure, Kit became what Tala didn’t have her drawn up as, but she was a great character when I wrote for her, that can’t be denied (I sound full of myself). Over time, Kit picked up my tragic personality, but at the same time, I started to pick up her strong traits I gave her and I learned how to fight for myself and become stronger! Kit became me; I became her! Kit’s strong personality and desire to do the right thing and find the love she wanted and the way she kicked butt entered into my soul, and the summer after high school graduation, my Kit transformation was complete and I was able to kick butt, too, and learn to fight for myself and what I wanted (again, another post for another time)! Tala may not know this, but I have her and Kit to credit for helping to keep me alive. Even thoguh I may have messed up Tala’s Kit character, she will always be my character who rescued me.

Besides Kit, two other characters were born–and most likely won’t be included in FT–and two other sides of my personality came to light (and no, I do not have split personality disorder). Ten’on was my weak emotional side, but she had glimmers of strength, much like me, and a hell of a lot of confusion. She was also most like Tala’s character, which, both Ten’on and Tala’s characters reflect us, so they’re like soulmates, too. Tsuyoi, was my ditzy self that had sexual-prowless and self-assurance, what I don’t have a lot of but sure does come out at certain moments. All of these characters come together to create the many facets of myself, which helped made me a stronger person. Cool!

Character creating is an art, my friends. As is writing.

My laptop battery is about to die again, so turn in for chapter two of my “Writing is an Art: Marisol’s Journey” series next time when I am fully charged! Thank you Tala and FT!!!

Love always,

Mari